i just realized

that I don't take myself seriously at all.

I spend more time doing my make-up, picking an outfit, and brushing my hair and teeth than I do on homework.

I honestly probably will never actually be a writer. I was raised in a suburb with a loving family, what do I have to write about? and I love it this way. I wouldn't trade an interesting life for mine.


oh and my job cut my hours and I have to pay rent (only 150 a month) because my room is too dirty.

and I really don't take myself seriously.

the danger is

everytime i hang out with christine, i feel more myself than i do with anyone else. i laugh more, i feel more understood. i feel loved, i am just so content with everything. everytime after i hang out with her it would be ridiculous to try to hang out with rudy, who could never be as understanding or make me laugh as much or make me as brave as i am with her. it probably sounds silly but i would never touch a stingray with someone else (we went to the aquarium today). i would never get a tattoo, i would never get my cartilage pierced (and repeirced today :] ) ...if she was a guy I'd probably be madly in love with her, but for now I just love how much she makes me. honestly, no one else in my life makes me feel like being a better person.

its probably why i doubt me and rudy more when me and tina are better friends, i would rather be with her than him. especially now with his new bossy, hang out with retarded slutface cheerleaders, and telling me not to become a "hippie" when i say that i don't want to end the welfare program for the disabled and elderly. seriously, we probably won't move in together because i deal with ignorant racist close-minded chauvanists all day, i don't need another one when i get home. and seriously, his misogynistic ways are only made more annoying by his claim that he supports equal oppurtunities for everyone. seriously pick a side.

the problem with me is

that i never really remember things right. I always judge things by how they end.
for example
today...played with my sister. watched 2 hours of Hannah Montana. Ate ice cream. Hung out with Denee. Had dinner with boyfriend. Saw Vicky Christina Barcelona (seriously go see it, it was amazing). But then it ended on this really bad note, where I started getting annoyed because Rudy scared me, and then kept gloating, and then I just realized it was my last day of summer and it was a good day on any other terms, but just totally not how I wanted to end my summer.
so, now, of course, my summer doesn't seem how I wanted it to be.
even though
-my daddy came back safely from Iraq
-I had a really good time camping with friends
-I made several new friends
-I hung out with Veronica more than ever
-Sydney learned how to say my name
-I did ALOT of shopping
-I've maintained several friendships, which is in general hard for me
-I got a tattoo

but now I just feel like...it wasn't as great as it could be if my boyfriend didn't hate me when I was drunk, or if I wasn't afraid to make new friends, or if I didn't ever really know what I wanted. and now i have to fucking work on Saturday for my sister, so she can have a really good last weekend of summer, and then on Sunday I get to work again, and basically i am going to be nonstop w/ school and work until Friday. and i'm not the least bit excited for school to start. I haven't been secretly thinking about outfits to wear, or who I hope to get into my classes, or how cool it will be to get back into the swing of things. I think this is the first time in my life where I haven't been at all scared or excited for school.

veronica

i dont care if you dont like his style



i can listen to his live CDs over and over again.

"Let's get set then to go then and let us jet set we'll be like the jetsons
You can be Jane my wife. Should I marry Jane tonight?

Oh, see I would if I could. I would do anything spontaneously.

We can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang
Ain't no thing. I can be lugubrious with you...whatever that means...
I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it
But this place is getting crowded and my house is two blocks away now
Or maybe closer

See, I would if I could. I would do oh anything spontaneously.
You know I would, if I could. I would do anything spontaneously."


seriously. his live CDs are the bomb. i effing love his "Rocket Man" cover, i love this adorable little dialogues between songs.



and i'm only slightly confused and disturbed by his affinity for funky hats.

safe...where no one else will read it

me (11:44:41 PM): rudy tells me about the most effed up sex stories ever
me (11:44:51 PM): and then hes like 'why dont we have any good stories?"
veronica (11:44:55 PM): hahahahah
veronica (11:45:03 PM): well, im sure whatever stories there are, THEY KNWO
me (11:45:03 PM): ummm because im not a freak who likes to be peed on mkay
veronica (11:45:09 PM): eww,
veronica (11:45:14 PM): wait, wasnt that *********??
me (11:45:17 PM): hahahahah

yes it was


me (12:06:08 AM): ive never really known a likeable robert
........
veronica (12:07:27 AM): so, i guess roberts arent all that bad
....
me (12:08:07 AM): maybe the problem with roberts
me (12:08:14 AM): is that we expect too much from them
me (12:08:37 AM): were expecting robert de niro...or robert plant...or robert downey jr


certain parts were edited out of this convo for any specific roberts who ma come across who were specifically mentioned as examples of unlikeable roberts

i could read this book a million times

and I have...well, at least 8. It so perfectly captures awkwardness and embarassment and the wanting to be liked, yet wanting to appear indifferent. The first I read this, I was so happy because I realized that everyone (or at least *someone else*) felt the way I did it.

I'm re-reading it before I start Atlas Shrugged

you've read this, right Veronica?

loner

I guess I will always have phases of being social and not wanting to leave the house, but honestly this is pretty much the first time since junoir year I've really wanted to stay home instead of go out and shop or party or whatever. I mean, if someone did invite me to a party or movie tonight, I probably would go, just to convince myself I'm not a complete geek but it's been nice just hanging out with my family and sleeping this weekend.

Top 9 Things To Do While Not Leaving The House
1. Organizing your room. Seriously, when I'm in the right mood for it, I get actually excited for having a floor again
2. Watching geeky shows. Hannah Montana, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Drake and Josh, Degrassi, Saved By The Bell, Wizards of Waverly Place, etc
3. Baking. Strawberry cake, lemon cookies, and blueberry muffins.
4. Playing with your dog/adorable little sister.

5. Break in your new black pumps. Better now than at a Trivium concert where you forgot to stuff some flats in your purse.
6. Make up new outfits. Okay, this is kind of weird I guess, but I do make up cute, creative outfits when I have empty hours and full access to my sisters closet.
7. Write a letter to Veronica. (Already half way done <3)
8. Nap. Nap. Nap. Nap. Nap.
9. Read. Okay, I know this shouldnt be last on the list, but it takes motivation for me to get into a book. I finished No One Belongs Here More Than You, and now I've started on The Stranger